One thing I’ve learned via this second Cancer Journey is that there’s no such thing as a BAD day. Here’s something I wrote in my journal when I was going through chemo in 2012:
I am so tempted to say that yesterday was a BAD day. But there is something inside of me that resists that word. Was it bad? Was it good? Can it somehow all be good?
And how can I move myself past these limiting labels of “good” and “bad” and somehow simply BE with what IS?
My chemo infusions are on Wednesdays which leave me feeling pretty darn good (thanks to the steroids) until Friday afternoon, at which point I can actually feel the physical energy leaving my body and all kinds of raucous thoughts sneaking in.
Saturdays and Sundays after a treatment, I am usually drained and not able to do much of anything but sit around, watch TV, nap, and whine in my head about how yucky I feel. So that is what I mean when I think I am having a “bad” day. My whole body is achy, I have a low fever and I feel like crap on toast as my father used to say. It doesn’t matter that in a few days I will be feeling more like myself. It doesn’t matter that “this will all be over soon” as my dear husband Jeff likes to remind me. It only matters that right now (namely, yesterday) I feel unwell and unhealthy and also to be honest a little bit angry that this is happening to me, that I am going through this, that I have to find my way back to wellness again. Self-pity, ah, yes!
But when I look back on yesterday, from the perspective of today, I don’t think I want to say that yesterday was a “bad” day. Yes, I felt ill, and yes, I couldn’t do anything creative or productive. But is it a BAD day when I can sit on the recliner with our Last Cat Standing (aka Minnie) on my lap purring gently? Is it a BAD day when I can stand on the front porch and breathe in deeply the scents of autumn? Is it a BAD day when I can enjoy several episodes of Big Bang Theory on the couch snuggled up next to my husband? Is it a BAD day when my youngest stepdaughter stops by to ask me how I’m feeling?
Looking at it this way, I honestly cannot say that yesterday was a BAD day. Maybe it wasn’t my personal definition of a GOOD day, you know? But it was a day. It was MY day. It was a day that was graced with love from our pets and my husband and one compassionate stepdaughter. It was a day that was mine. It wasn’t a good day or a bad day, it was MY day.