Tips for Survivors
Most people who haven’t experienced breast cancer think that once the treatments are over, the journey is over. People have actually said to me, “Everything’s okay now, right?” and “It must feel good to be cancer-free.”
And yes, they are correct, to some extent. Once my treatments ended, things did start to be more “okay.” And certainly, it does feel good to be cancer-free!
But there is one thing (for me) about being a breast cancer survivor that most people just don’t understand: my fear that it will come back.
It’s a fear that I have to learn to live with, and I’ve come to terms with this. I’ve learned to live with this fear… to accept it, to make friends with it, to embrace it, to honor its place in my life. I don’t have to allow it to control me, but I can still accept it.
If you’re a breast cancer survivor and struggling with the fear that the cancer might come back, you might find these passages from Bright Side of the Road helpful:
Chapter 18: No Turning Back
I don't want fear to keep me away from people and places that I love so dearly. I am repeating this new affirmation like a mantra today:
I FACE MY FEARS WITH COURAGE AND THEY TURN TO LOVE.
Chapter 20: On the Road to Normal
I'm also startled by one bitter, raw fact: it might return. This truth brings with it a deep, odious, piercing fear, a fear that seems much wider than the world. I have to learn to live with this fear now, but I can't let it control my life. I simply can't. I have to find a way to accept and embrace it without allowing it to control me. Without allowing it to shut me down.
The other day I read somewhere online that for most women, breast cancer is just "a blip on the screen of their lives." A great image. May it be so for me. May it be so for all of us.
Chapter 22: Discovering New Roads
And even though the retreat I'm going to is for "Women Living With Breast Cancer" , I wonder if I will fit in. I don't feel like I'm "living with" the cancer anymore. I truly feel that it has left my body. And what I am left with is the Fear of It Coming Back. This is the hardest thing for me now that the treatments are over. Everyone assumes that I've arrived at Normal and am picking my life up where I left off ten months ago. But the reality is completely different. The reality is this daily fear I must live with. I find that if I'm consciously breathing and staying in the moment, the fear has much less power to claim me. This is easier said than done, though. It's something that I must practice every single day.
I'm thinking about my evening prayer ritual and how I always put the gratitude first. Just this simple practice alone makes me more aware during the course of my day, more aware of these blessings as they are actually happening. Instantaneous gratitude, I guess you'd call it. Being immediately grateful... grateful in each precious moment... noticing... being aware. This has been a major factor in my living with and healing from breast cancer.
Yet I occasionally wonder if what I'm really doing is bargaining with God. Does part of me believe that God will notice my positive attitude, my practice of gratitude, and spare me a recurrence? It scares me every time this thought crosses my mind. Of course, every night I ask that the cancer NOT return. Doesn't everyone? And then I wonder why do I even bother asking for that? Do I really believe in the power of my prayer to stop it from happening? Haven't there been women who prayed and prayed and prayed for it not to return and yet it did? Then why do I think I will be any different?
It occurs to me that what I should be praying for instead is the grace to live, to really live, no matter what. Whether the cancer returns or not. This new thought stops me in my tracks. Am I strong enough to pray for this instead?
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